At the beginning of 2013, I said “here’s hoping THIS year doesn’t suck”.

And, in comparison, it didn’t.

But, lemme tell ya, I’d define this year as “Loss”.

My Mom died early in 2011. A year and a half later my Dad died. (both of these deaths occurred unexpectedly after a brief illness.) Yes, there were people who reached out to me. People that checked up on me. And I appreciate them for doing so.

But I have been heartbroken by my oldest daughter leaving. I want her here. I want our family together. I want her to take my son with her when she does an errand, or goes with a friend for a late-night ice cream. I want her to make his first girlfriend feel comfortable at our home. I want my little daughter to cuddle in bed with her, to eat “sister soup” for breakfast, to paint nails with. I want her to be there when my little one comes home from school to show off her art work. I don’t want her having a serious boyfriend that I might not ever meet. I don’t want her squeezing in a skype call if she can when she’s having Christmas with some family I don’t know.

Add to that having a close meaningful friendship fall apart. This is a friend who we used to have holidays with, who we’ve vacationed with, and we were each other’s “go to” person when we’d have a crisis. Although we are both making overtures of friendship to each other, we’ll never be the friends we used to be. And now that I have a young child again, that friend isn’t available for me to drop my little one off for an hour while I run out to do some chore. I can’t send her over there to show off her newly pierced ears. She won’t be on Addis’ “emergency contact” form when she goes to Kindergarten next year.


Feeling lonely and heartbroken.


If I had a Wish

“Mommy, we should have sooo more people in our family”

     “How ’bout we get 2 more sisters & 5 more brudders? “

     “I reeeeeally want a hamster! Pleeeease can I get a hamster? Mommy! I reeeeeally wish I had a SISTER! “

     “I know! We should get a sister! Please Mommy can I get a sister?? A twin sister?? “

     “If you go to a care center, could you bring home a baby?? “

     “What if you find a baby, dat someone leaveded there, and it didn’t have no mommy, could we keep it? “

     “I know! We could put the couch over dere, & then there would be room for bunkbeds & we could get more kids in our family! “

     “How come I can’t have a sister or a mouse?? “

     “If you get a baby, you don’t even have to take care of it, I’ll hold it the WHOLE TIME & give it milk. But not when I’m     getting dressed. “

     “Can we pleeeeease get some more brudders? Izzy has THREE brudders. “

     “I know! We should move & get a bigger house and then we can get more beds & we can dadopt some more kids! “

     “*sigh* I would be soooo good a big sister. “

     “I wish I could get a baby kitten. Or a baby sister.”


Hamster (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

US Navy 100118-N-5244H-015 A young Haitian gir...

US Navy 100118-N-5244H-015 A young Haitian girl embraces her baby sister as she watches U.S. military members as they pass by while surveying the area for the best access point. The amphibious dock landing ship USS Carter Hall (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I hear this ALL day.

Every day.

What to do??
Listen, this baby factory is closed. I’m over 40! Yeah, I know it’s been done, but I don’t see it happening here!

Adopt again?? I don’t know! Like I said, I’m over 40!! But is it fair to her? Does she really need another sibling, closer to her age (Ponyboy & Jasmine are 15 & 19)??

(The hamster I can manage…eventually!)

My Kid’s Not Racist


My American Girl

Well, It happened.

Our beautiful girl has been home for 21 months. She’s almost 3 1/2 years old. And this beautiful, friendly, little girl has been told that she’s not liked because she’s black. And because she’s African, and nobody likes Ethiopia either.

By someone close to us.

I am so pissed. I am disappointed. I am sad.

This person is almost 11 yrs old, is the child of someone close to us, & is a neighbor.

Fortunately Jasmine was there. She yelled at him, she took Addis away, & she called & left a message on the parent’s phone. Not sure what I should do from here.

The thing is, I knew that this would happen, sooner or later. But by a friend?? And at THREE years old?? WTF?????

Karma, are you listening?

I was taking a nap. The little girl down the street came by, all excited, & said I needed to come out & meet the new girl. She was also 4.

Or so the story goes.

Yes, I do “remember” the meeting. I think. Maybe. Actually, sometimes when an event gets a “story” I think the story eventually takes over until the story IS the memory. Added to that, there is a picture from when we were 4 or 5 (or 6?) facing each other, holding hands, & smiling. I know it isn’t from that first day, but it is what I picture of it. …I’m getting off-course…

We’ve gone through periods when we didn’t communicate much, and living 2,500 miles apart the last 20 years hasn’t helped. But she still, after 36 years, is still who wears the label of Best Friend. I have a few really good friends. Friends who I can confide in, friends who I can call for anything, friends who have seen me at my worst & think it makes a great story! But how many Best Friends does one get in life? Two? Three if you’re reeeeally lucky?

I hope there’s such a thing as Karma, because Karma has some explaining to do. My friend’s childhood left a lot to be desired. That’s her story to tell, not mine, so I won’t get into it…but believe me when I say she was missing out on some sunshine. And, her adult-hood hasn’t been what you’d call spectacular either. If there’s  a short stick to be grabbed, consider it her’s. Besides the multitude of obstacles & BS thrown her way, it has also been up to Her to keep her family afloat. She’s the sole bread-winner of the family. She spent years working 2 jobs to do it. And, when finally afforded an opportunity to improve her lot, it gave way after she worked her ass off to get it. Her husband is disabled, with a very painful disease which has robbed her family of a “normal” life.

And yet, she still plays the part of being a Ray of Sunshine to others. When my mom was dying, she sent no less than 4 cards to my parents. And months later she sent my dad a letter which he appreciated. When my family had a reunion last summer, I jokingly told her that I assumed she would be there….and she was. It wasn’t easy for her to pull off, it meant leaving her disabled husband for a week & driving hundreds of miles…and, she was unemployed. She goes out of her way to make people laugh, even if it’s at her expense. She cares for people that no one else cares about, and acts as an advocate on their behalf. She mails people handwritten notes, or maybe donuts, just to improve their day. How she keeps it up is beyond my understanding.

I truly hope & pray that good things are coming her way. If anyone deserved it, it is her. And I hope she knows that she is one of my favorite people.

Karma, don’t be a Bitch.

these pics are Her’s…I don’t think she’ll mind!

Gee, thanks.

Don’t you just love when you’re doing something mundane & your phone dings that you’ve got a text… I just finished making everyone lunch & then cleaning it up by myself, when my phone dings. I get my hopes up, just a little, that an ADULT is wanting to communicate with me. Maybe my friend with a snide remark she shouldn’t say aloud. Or a GNO invite. Or my H saying he’ll be home for dinner. Maybe even Ponyboy thanking me for the awesome sandwich.

Nope. It’s Papa John’s informing me (again) that because I’m such a valued customer (who’s been there 2x in 5 yrs) they have a special $7.99 pizza for me.

Let me tell ya, Now I feel lucky.